Love Languages in Queer Relationships: How I Uncovered My Partner's and You Can Too

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? An American psychologist, Dr. Gary Chapman, identified five predominant ways in which people typically express love to their partner. They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.

Relationships thrive on love. When you experience being loved, your cup is full. And the same goes for your partner.

Often when we get into a new relationship, we pour our love onto the other person. Ever seen someone get love-bombed?

Problems can arise when we unknowingly express love in our own love language—and not our partner's. This means they are not receiving the love we intend to give.

When I discovered my partner’s love language, it was an absolute revelation. Here’s how I worked it out.

Firstly, I simply started observing the ways in which I expressed love to my girlfriend. She needed new slippers. I observed myself as I excitedly went shopping for a ‘pamper’ package. I wasn’t just going to get her new slippers, I was going to get her pjs, a dressing gown and bath salts.

Super pleased with myself, I presented the gift-wrapped package to her. She unwrapped it and looked up at me and smiled. ‘Thanks,’ she said. Then she set it aside and went about her day.

Say what??! I was expecting excitement and oodles of appreciation, pouring over the gifts and smelling them, holding them to her chest while she thanked me profusely.

This was my first clue. Ok. So Receiving Gifts was not her love language. But it was clearly mine. Cool! This was such a cool thing to discover. I could save my money and spend it on gifts for myself!

So what was her love language? I thought about the things that she said to me repeatedly. Then it hit me. Whenever she walked in the door, she had either one of two reactions. A big smile and delight. Or, fury and frustration. And it all depended upon whether I’d done the dishes or not. Fair enough, the tiny kitchen was the first thing she saw when she opened the door.

And so I experimented. And I discovered that all I had to do for her to feel loved by me was do the dishes. I could see it when she walked in the door. The simple act of doing the dishes spoke to her. It filled up her love cup. Acts of Service was her love language.

Understanding my own love language, helped me make clear requests. For example, Physical Touch. “When we have an argument, it’s not complete for me until we hug. So can we have a hug?” Or Receiving Gifts: “Our anniversary is next week. All I need is a gift. It doesn’t matter how big or small. Flowers or vegan, refined-sugar free chocolate is enough.”

Let’s dive into the Five Love Languages. Which one is yours? Which one do you think is your partner’s?

1.  Words of Affirmation

Express affection through verbal affirmations, compliments, or words of appreciation. In a world often filled with criticism, positive affirmations can be incredibly powerful.

2.  Acts of Service

Demonstrate love through actions that help ease the burden of responsibilities. This could be anything from cooking a meal to helping with chores. The mantra here is "actions speak louder than words."

3.  Receiving Gifts

Show your love through thoughtful gifts that hold sentimental value. It’s not about the monetary worth but the meaning and thought behind the gesture.

4.  Quality Time

Give your partner undivided attention, prioritizing meaningful conversations and shared experiences. This requires more than just being physically present; it means being mentally and emotionally engaged.

5.  Physical Touch

Convey love through physical touch—whether it's holding hands, hugging, or cuddling. Physical touch fosters intimacy and closeness.

I’ve asked my friends and family what their love languages are as well - or observed them. Then I note them down next to their name on my phone to remind me. I make a conscious effort to speak their love language, not mine.

Find everyday opportunities to express love through other people’s love language. It could be a small note of appreciation, an unexpected favor, a surprise gift, a dedicated evening free of distractions, or adding in more touch as you pass each other by. These consistent, small efforts can significantly improve your relationship’s overall health.

Engaging with your partner's love language can fundamentally transform your relationship, leaving you both feeling loved up. Use this knowledge as a tool to deepen your bond, ensuring that both of you always feel cherished and loved. Communicate openly, and act with intention. The rewards of a deeper, more connected relationship are well worth the effort.

Enjoy!

Xx Danica

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Hello my friend, 🌈 I'm Danica Lani, here to empower you on your journey of self-discovery. With decades of coaching and facilitating experience, I’ve guided hundreds of queer-identifying women, non-binary, and trans individuals toward deeper connection and more fulfilling relationships. My mission is to help you reignite the spark and overcome challenges like queer bed death or navigating a gender journey. Together, let’s live long, juicy, and meaningful lives. 🤗💖 #QueerRelationships