Am I speaking your language?

When it comes to language, I assume that everyone speaks the same language as I do. I'm not talking about English as a language. I'm talking about the words I use where I assume anyone else I'm talking to has the same understanding and application of that word.

And if they don't, they have to learn the language I use. In fact, I have a whole 'Danica Lani' curriculum ready to roll out of which books to read, which podcasts to listen to, which specialised fields of study, which terms used in the communities I belong to... Just take the LGBTQIA+ acronym. If you're queer, I assume you understand all of the letters and what they stand for. But what if you've only recently come out or you're new to some of these terms?

A beautiful demonstration of using different languages is laid out in the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (Yes, it's in my curriculum lol). The premise is that there are 5 different languages for how we express love to each other and most of us in couples, are not speaking the same language, therefore we miss receiving daily messages that our partner loves us. 

According to Gary, we typically speak 1-2 dominant love languages. You can google the 5 love languages and take the quiz. Another way to find out which love language you speak is to look at how you express love to other people. This will indicate which language you receive love in which will typically be the love language you express love in as well.

The 5 love languages are:

1. Physical Touch

2. Acts of Service

3. Giving/Receiving Gifts

4. Words of Affirmation

5. Quality Time

When I first came across the 5 love languages and started applying them, I discovered that - surprise, surprise, my partner at the time and I spoke different languages. My predominant love languages are Physical Touch and Giving/Receiving Gifts. Hers was Acts of Service. What a revelation! All of that time, money, and energy I'd spent on gifts could be spent on myself. To let her know I loved her, I just needed to make sure the dishes were done before she came home! This was a game changer in our relationship.

Over time, I learned to speak all of the love languages however, I found some of them harder to grasp than others. Initially, I could not understand the love language of Quality Time. My thinking went like this: we already live together and see each other every day. What more do you want from me? Eventually, I worked out that a reliable way to ensure I was speaking her love language of Quality Time was to be the one who organised a monthly date - and for god's sake, whatever you do, don't leave any time without a date scheduled in the future and something to look forward to. 

Learning to speak the predominant language people I care about use to express their love has made an immediate and incredible difference in having love be expressed, understood, and received in any relationship that matters. You know what I'm saying?

Love,

Danica

P.S. If you like this conversation and you want to discover how to be empowered through the body, click here to set up a complimentary call.

 [Image credit: Zara Lawson]